7 Questions to consider if you have been called an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person, According to a Therapist:

Characterizing words like “Empath" and “HSP or Highly Sensitive Person” are becoming more and more popular on mainstream social media. But what exactly do these labels mean? For many of us, these labels stem from a protective strategy often developed in childhood, where it became critical to ones emotional, mental, or physical safety to read the emotions of those around them and make decisions accordingly. This strategy, often referred to as hyper-vigilance or hyper-attunement, would allow a child to create safety for themselves by meeting the emotional, physical, or mental needs of others. However, this strategy often requires putting the needs of others above the needs of Self. If you have been called an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person, I invite you to reflect on these 7 questions to focus less on the identity of an Empath or HSP and learn more about your relationship with hyper-attunement and responsibility. 

When you walk into a room, how long does it take you to assess the emotional temperature of those around you? 

What I mean by this is - when you walk into your apartment, how long does it take you to notice that your roommates are upset with one another? Or when you log onto to your team meeting, how long does it take you to sense your managers stress level? Or when you get into bed, how long does it take to notice your partners body language has shifted from its norm? 

After you attune to the emotional temperature of those around you, how do you typically respond? 

Once you notice the tension amongst your roommates, do you complete the undone chore that is causing strain, despite it not being your chore to do? After assessing the stress levels on your team Zoom call, do you crack a joke to lighten the mood, despite your own discomfort or stress level?  Following noticing your partners distance in bed, do you take responsibility for the distance and apologize for their mood, when it may have nothing to do with you at all? 

What does this response typically provide you?

Start by picking a time in your life where you have found yourself emotionally attuning to those around you and have adjusted your behavior accordingly. Did the adjustment create peace, find a solution to a problem, or take responsibility for someone else's experience in an effort to make them feel better? 

Next, investigate what that behavioral change gave to you. If you loaded the dishwasher, despite it being your roommates responsibility, because you knew it was bothering your other roommate - did that dissolve some of the tension and allow the three of you to watch the Bachelor together as planned? Did cracking the joke in your meeting lead to a more relaxed 30 minutes for everyone on the call, including you? Did taking responsibility for your partners mood lead to a restoration of normal bedtime routines, connection, or intimacy? 

Notice any themes or patterns within yourself here. Get curious about what this strategy tends to offer you - is it Peace? Comfort? Care? Safety? Stability? Normalcy? 

What is your earliest memory of hyper-attunement and how did it unfold for you?

Now that you have noticed some of your own patterning with the protective and strategic part of hyper-attunement,  try to trace it back to its origin. Did you often do the dishes at home in order to prevent or manage a conflict with your parents over undone dishes? Did you use humor at your family dinner table when your parents or grandparents were in conflict to lighten the mood? Did you feel responsible for cheering up your mom, or teacher, or coach if they looked stressed or upset? Did you learn that if you apologize or take responsibility for someone else's mood it lead to closeness, connection, attachment or acceptance? 

How do you think this hyper-attunement has helped you?

At this point in your reflection, you may notice an inner critic coming up with judgement or shame about this hyper-attunement strategy. While we can acknowledge that part of you, I want to encourage you to think of this strategy of hyper-attunement as a helpful friend. Can you experiment with thanking this strategic part for all the work it has done to keep you safe and secure? Can you acknowledge how this strategic part has attempted to keep you safe by making sure everyone around you was regulated and stable? Can you express some appreciation for this strategic part and notice how that feels?

Ask yourself if this hyper-attuned part is still helping you today?

I want to challenge you to think about what this strategy of hyper-attunement has cost you over the years? Has it left you feeling burnt out, overburdened, exhausted, or overwhelmed? Has it made boundary setting or dealing with conflict unmanageable? If this strategic part did not have to regulate the emotions of others, what might it be free to do instead?

Lastly, what would it be like to respond to this hyper-attunement strategy  differently? 

What would it be like to notice when others are dysregulated and begin to detach from the responsibility to regulate them? What would you need to feel safe to let this protective strategy go? What are some other strategies that you can use to manage the anxiety this dysregulation brings up for you? What are some of your grounding skills or self soothing techniques that can regulate your needs? 

As someone who is a deep feeler myself, it is a constant practice to be mindful of the strategies that once made us feel safe and stable but now leave us feeling burnt out and resentful. If you saw parts of yourself in this reflective exercise, I encourage you to remain curious about where this strategy came from and how it is helping or hurting you now. Always remember to meet yourself with compassion as you learn to develop new and adaptive ways of managing the anxiety that the emotional dysregulation of others may cause. If you are interested in continuing this exploration in therapy, please feel free to complete a contact form!