6 questions to ask to better understand your people pleasing tendencies:

How do you feel when you are around other people? 

This may sound like a simple question. However, getting curious about what feelings come up for you when interacting with others can help you better understand the role you feel responsible for playing in a variety of different relationships. Whether among friends, family, colleagues, partners, neighbors, or strangers - we are often playing an important role within a larger dynamic. People Pleasing is one such role. By building up a sense of curiosity for the specific feelings you experience within relational interactions, you can begin to understand what triggers your people-pleasing tendencies and why they help you play your role. 

What is your initial reaction when someone says something that you disagree with?

Try not to overthink this response and focus on your immediate reaction. Do you shut down and pretend you did not hear the person? Do you smile? Make a joke to change the subject? Do you find yourself pretending to agree? This does not need to be a large disagreement, think about what you would do if you ordered an almond milk latte but you received one with oat milk. Identifying what your default response to potential conflict is will allow you to better understand what you are trying to prevent from happening. 

What worries you most about confrontation? 

Again, try not to put too much pressure on this reflection. Think about confronting the barista about getting your coffee order wrong. What are you worried about happening at that moment? Are you worried you will come off in a certain way to the other people around you? Do you feel worried about hurting your barista's feelings or embarrassing them? Are you worried that if you confront the error, you will be punished or shamed? 

Now, what would happen if that worry was actualized? 

If we stay with the coffee order example. You order your latte with almond milk and you are given one with oat milk. Your initial reaction is to smile and say it is okay but as a recovering people pleaser, you challenge yourself to confront the mistake despite the discomfort it may cause. And you get a dirty look from another customer or the barista profusely apologies for the error and appears tearful or embarrassed. Now ask yourself, what would happen? Not what it would feel like. We can acknowledge those possibilities would be painfully uncomfortable. But what would actually happen?

What would it be like to NOT take responsibility for someone else's emotions?

Staying with the coffee shop example. You have mustered the courage to point out the mistake and ask for a new latte. You’ve confronted the error with a gentle but direct correction. And they respond in the way you had worried they would. The barista's face flushes with some embarrassment and overwhelm, perhaps their eyes tear up a bit. What would it be like for you to feel compassion for them and their discomfort without taking responsibility? After all, a mistake was made. It wasn’t the end of the world but it impacted you. There is a way to acknowledge that mistake with kindness and care. What could you do in that instance to offer reassurance to the barista while still holding your boundary? 

Can you imagine caring for the emotional needs of others without taking responsibility for them?

Think about all the warm and nurturing parts of you. People pleasers have many tender parts who are so skilled at taking care of others. This ability often leaves people pleasers feeling fantastic! In people pleasing recovery, we do not want to get rid of those wonderfully warm parts of ourselves. But we do not want to overburden those parts with responsibility that is not theirs. To exercise warmth towards others without taking on their needs as your own is to honor our warm parts without being ruled by them. This is what we want to strive for!